January 14, 2019. That was the date of my last blog post. I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact. Where did the year go? What was I doing? When did time get so fleeting?
When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain. That doesn’t happen often in my life now. Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.
No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE! I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail. Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.
Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!
I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life. My body lived, but the essence of ME died. I still carry on. I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will. Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.
This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy. We are turning the big 5 0! We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!! Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).
Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February. Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it. I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)! This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.
You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing! Nada! Zip! Zero and Zilch! See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005. Everything I was working toward for my life was killed. EVERYTHING!
I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control. I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on. Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward! I had no clue-until now.
It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear. I was happy, but I wept. I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back. I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness. I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!
My life has been an unending blur for 15 years. I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME
I am broken. I am damaged. I am scarred. But that is me now. I will never been who I was, but you know what? I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.