Posted in This & That

2020 Already?

January 14, 2019.  That was the date of my last blog post.  I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact.  Where did the year go?  What was I doing?  When did time get so fleeting?

When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain.  That doesn’t happen often in my life now.  Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.

No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE!  I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail.  Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!

I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life.  My body lived, but the essence of ME died.  I still carry on.  I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will.  Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.

This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy.  We are turning the big 5 0!  We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!!  Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).

Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February.  Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it.  I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)!  This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.

You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing!  Nada!  Zip!  Zero and Zilch!  See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005.  Everything I was working toward for my life was killed.  EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control.  I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on.  Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward!  I had no clue-until now.

It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear.  I was happy, but I wept.  I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back.  I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness.  I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!

 My life has been an unending blur for 15 years.  I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME

I am broken.  I am damaged.  I am scarred.  But that is me now.  I will never been who I was, but you know what?  I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in #BloggiteBits Campaign

#BloggiteBits-Happy H.E.A.R.T.

Happy H.E.A.R.T.: Humble appreciation, Experience new things, Accept others, Reach goals, Transform your thinking

#BloggiteBits-Happy Heart
Happy H.E.A.R.T.

Are you happy where you are in life?  Does your heart feel full of love and appreciation?  Your heart mood determines your overall outlook, did you know that?  In this installment of the ABCs of encouragement with the #BloggiteBits Campaign, I am going to help you understand exactly what a heart mood is and help you find your Happy H.E.A.R.T. which will improve your overall outlook in life: Humble appreciation, Experience new things, Accept others, Reach goals, & Transform your thinking.

Humble appreciation: Your heart mood is the driving force behind your emotional state when dealing with others.  Having a humble appreciate for everything you have in your life is one step in having a happy heart each day.  Many people feel they are entitled to things without working for it and so their hearts lack any humble humility.  These entitled people are hard to get along with because they treat everyone as if they are beneath them.  Humbling oneself and learning to have an appreciation for all the things in your life, from the little to the big, you will find that your heart mood is more pliable and willing to have understanding for others.

Experience new things: As a lifelong learner, I am all for experiencing new things.  Your heart mood is more playful and insightful when you are engaging in new things to experience.  Everyone enjoys learning new things, especially if it is something they pick themselves.  Experiencing new things helps keep the heart happy and feeling playful and light.  We all feel successful when we learn a new activity.  Those who stay in a routine that never changes feel stagnant and bored.  The heart does not thrive in a stagnant environment.  Go out and challenge yourself by experiencing new things, you will find that your heart will feel better.

Accept others: Accepting others is a challenge for many.  We have become a skeptical, guarded society and that mental environment makes it hard to accept others.  When you begin to accept others, your heart mood will start changing in a more positive, happy way.  Releasing yourself to open up and accept others helps lift an unseen burden this world has programmed us with.  Break through the standard mentality and take a chance, your heart will be happier for it.

Reach goals: We have all experienced the feeling of accomplishment when we reach some long goal set for ourselves.  Reach for goals in life.  You will find that working toward a goal will help you find a purpose to get up and move in the morning.  A happy heart loves to feel the accomplishment of reaching a planned goal.  The goals do not always have to be big.  Reaching for smaller, more obtainable goals will continue to keep your heart mood overflowing with successful accomplishments.

Transform your thinking: Transforming your thinking means break away from the status quo thinking.  Stop the skeptical, guarded thinking and start looking at the world with the eyes of a babe, full of wonderment and joy.  When you transform your thinking your heart will feel much more open to opportunities which in turn make your heart feel happy.  Look to each new day as an opportunity to discover new and exciting things.  I promise your transformed thinking will open up a whole new world.

~4-Ever, P