Posted in This & That

Dealing With Chronic Pain

Hello, Dear Bloggites.  Have you ever had or known a friend or family member who struggles with Chronic Pain?  Have you ever questioned if their pain is truly as severe as they claim it is?  I am going to let you know the answer to this question in this blog.

I live with chronic pain.  My pain was forced on me when a man decided to drive his company truck pulling a 20-foot trailer carrying an excavator on back high on Ecstasy back in 2005.  I was heading to work early on the morning of September 1st.  I only remember seeing the headlights heading toward me on a curve.  I did not think anything of that because it is not unusual for it to seem like a car is heading toward you on a curve in the dark.

Unfortunately, those headlights were heading toward me.  There were two other vehicles that were affected by this man.  The first one was a truck whose sides were damaged some.  The second was a young fireman in a truck who was decapitated when the driver of the truck over corrected his driving.  The last was me.

When the driver that was high on Ecstasy corrected his driving again, he peeled away the left side of my entire car.  The EMTs were expecting two fatalities from that accident, however, by the grace of God, I was alive and pinned in my car.  The accident caused me to get Compartment Syndrome in my left leg which caused pressure and bleeding to damage my nerves and muscles and prevent oxygen to circulate in my leg.

In order for the EMTs to relieve the pressure, they had to slice my leg open on each side to prevent me from losing my lower left leg.  I remember waking up in the ambulance pissed off because I was being strapped in and could not get up to go to work.  My next memory was three days later and three or four surgeries later.

I don’t remember most of the time in the hospital except the pain.  This pain made me want to rip my skin off my body just to get relief.  I had to stay severely drugged up just to be able to speak to anyone.  I had conversations with friends and family that I don’t even remember when they state we had long talks about certain subjects.

Can you believe the fear and confusion I lived with in the first year of my recovery and even now?  My doctors told me that I may never walk again because of the damage to my pelvic bone and lower spinal area.  I was in a wheelchair!  I could not understand that my life as I knew it was over.  I was the ultimate outdoor chick.  I rock climbed, dreamt of climbing K2 one day.  I hiked with my kids and friends.  I camped out with the Boy Scouts for many years with my kids and dog.  And now I was wheelchair bound, possibly for life!

On top of the damaged pelvic bone, the suffering of Compartment Syndrome that caused doctors to have to do a skin graft on my upper left leg to fully seal my lower left leg because they were unable to close the swollen damaged leg; my left Tibia and Fibula were broken.  The final issue was a shattered left hip.  I had to have a metal hip put in me to replace the shattered hip which has now caused me to have Osteoarthritis at 35 years of age.

Because of the wheelchair, my broken leg was never set properly and when I overcame the damaged pelvic bone and began to walk, my left leg was 3 inches shorter than my right leg.  I had to have another surgery to rebreak the left leg, cut off two sections of it, and have a titanium rod put inside my leg to match the length of my right leg.

I was one of the fortunate ones from that fateful day.  However, that accident has forever affected my life.   I live with chronic pain and although I was able to start walking again, I still suffer with pain in my pelvic bone, my leg, and my hip.  This chronic pain rules my life no matter how much I fight to regain the control.

I am unable to go to many activities with my friends or family because I am paralyzed with the pain throughout my body from the damage to my left leg and nerves.  My nerves will forever misfire throughout my body causing the inability to use my hands to do simple tasks and even walk or talk at times due to the pain.  My friends try to understand, so does my family, but I am sure many of them ask the same question you ask of your friend or family, “Are they really in pain or are they exaggerating it?”.

I promise you, if your family or friend says they are in pain, it is not fake.  No one wants to live with chronic pain, and no one wants to have their life out of control due to the pain.  Chronic pain sufferers cannot fully express the feelings of what they are experiencing to help anyone truly understand what they are going through.  That is the constant fight we suffer with chronic pain.  We cannot control it and we cannot fully express the feeling to help the people we know, and love, understand the suffering we have.

So next time you question the true feelings of pain your friend or family member is feeling, you need to first ask yourself if you are willing to accept and love them even if you cannot understand their suffering.  We will never be able to express the chronic pain in words for you to understand, but I hope those we love and who loves us, will accept it and still support the sufferer because that, in itself, is what gets us through the pain day by day.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in This & That

2020 Already?

January 14, 2019.  That was the date of my last blog post.  I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact.  Where did the year go?  What was I doing?  When did time get so fleeting?

When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain.  That doesn’t happen often in my life now.  Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.

No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE!  I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail.  Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!

I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life.  My body lived, but the essence of ME died.  I still carry on.  I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will.  Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.

This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy.  We are turning the big 5 0!  We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!!  Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).

Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February.  Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it.  I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)!  This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.

You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing!  Nada!  Zip!  Zero and Zilch!  See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005.  Everything I was working toward for my life was killed.  EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control.  I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on.  Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward!  I had no clue-until now.

It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear.  I was happy, but I wept.  I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back.  I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness.  I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!

 My life has been an unending blur for 15 years.  I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME

I am broken.  I am damaged.  I am scarred.  But that is me now.  I will never been who I was, but you know what?  I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Writer Musings

Slow And Steady…

Hello, Dear Bloggites. 🙂  I am happy to let you know that change is happening, slowly and surely, the change is going to happen.  This change is leading toward reaching some more goals that I set back in 2017 and renewed in 2018.

Change 3 Update: My current business is surviving this lull in the industry and seems to finally have bounced back…continue to find ways to build income from this business – I am glad and sad to say my coworker has found another job due to the reduction in work orders.  I am glad for him and his new journey, but sad, because he has helped me build my business and we have worked together for the past few years.  I know he will have great success in his new journey. 🙂

Change 3 Update: I will find myself on my own again with my son, the dog, and the guinea pig with no roommate for the first time in, geez, years – Because of the new job status for my coworker, it puts me one step closer to being on my own again.  With the drive he has to make each day, and with the steady increase in income, it will allow him to find his own place in a few months. 🙂

As you can see, I just wanted to check in with y’all and let you know what is going on.  It has been a couple of days since I blogged last, but this one puts me back on schedule.  I am excited about the new changes taking place and I hope you will continue with me on this awesome journey! 🙂

What exciting changes are happening in your life?  Share in the comments below.  Look forward to chatting with you. 🙂

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Writer Musings

Remember When…

Let’s turn back time to 2017.  Remember when I posted New Year, New Start 2017 on January 1, 2017?  Don’t remember, Dear Bloggites, click the link, take a moment to read the post, I can wait right here for you.  Let me know when you are back.

Okay, now that you are back, I had grand plans with those three key words: Change, Passion, and Luck.  Today, I was flipping through my notebook of the different scribbles I make, some on new written works, some on classes, some on random thoughts to do something with, on this flipping excursion, I came across this:

Goals 2017

Now, if you look real close, you will see the graph I made on adding one new thing each month.  January just had ‘Skin Regiment’ which I started (thus the check over it); February added ‘Get Dressed’, odd goal but those of you who work from home will understand the ease it is to just stay in the PJs all day; March added ‘Workout’ to the other two items.  Now, as you already have noticed, I did not check off ‘Get Dressed’ or ‘Workout’ and the ensuing months, I added nothing, nada, the big fat 0!

All those goals and plans withered away and died as life began demanding all my time.  Also, the items and sub-items for Change, Passion, and Luck, did not happen.  A synopsis of the goals and if it happened or not:

Change 1: I will find myself on my own again with my son, the dog, and the guinea pig with no roommate for the first time in, geez, years – Did not happen and we lost my son’s guinea pig earlier this year.  Still hoping the roommate moves out but until he can find sustainable money coming in, I don’t see it happening too soon. 😦

Change 2: I have been paying for a gym membership for the past year and have not utilized it…going to utilize this gym membership to change my health for the better and reach the weight I am happiest at once again – Did not happen, however, I did let that gym membership close and now I paid for an entire year at another gym closer to my house, maybe this year…

Change 3: My current business is surviving this lull in the industry and seems to finally have bounced back…continue to find ways to build income from this business – My current business is still struggling and my co-worker is looking for another job because there is not enough work for two people to do (if you have not figured it out, my roommate is my co-worker).

Change 4: I am going to take advantage of the social invites I get and start actually going – Didn’t happen, I am getting better, but not where I wanted to be.

Passion 1: I have a wordsmith business…I plan on growing this business up, one client at a time and look forward to the new relationships I shall make along the way – While I have had some clients, it is nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time now.

Passion 2: I am now looking at taking myself seriously as a writer and growing this part of me on a personal level…My goal is to sign up for some form of writing class each month to build my talent as a writer and start opening doors to the publishing world to promote myself as a writer – I did good with the classes for the first three months, as well as, writing, but then life scattered the classes and writing to the wind.

Luck 1: I know with every situation I face, I will need a little luck in finding my way – Luck is still my friend but decided to work in the background and not allowing all the doors and opportunities to be opened.

Luck 2: Waking up every morning…just start finding things to fill my time outside work – Did not happen.  Waking up did, but nothing outside work.

As, you can all see, my goals and plans were dust in the wind rather quickly.  Now that a new year is here and pretty much at the same point when last year’s goals petered out, I am ramping up my determination and going to push through everything to obtain these goals this year.

I hope you travel on this journey with me, Dear Bloggites, because it is lonely sometimes and encouragement and especially accountability go a long way.  If you do not see me posting for a while, shoot me a comment here and give me the proverbial “Kick in the Ass” to get me going again.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Writer Musings

New Year, New Start 2017

Hello, Dear Bloggites!  If I plan this right, I will post this right at Midnight.  As you all know, I have had some major personal challenges with My Dad’s illness and ultimate passing, so my life as I knew it was put on hold to care for him.  Since his passing, I have felt like I am floundering.  I am at peace knowing he is in heaven with the Good Lord, pain free, and partying with the J-Dude, yet my heart and soul have a deep hole that has yet to begin to heal.

This afternoon, someone posted one of those silly tests you see all the time on Facebook.  This one was a crossword puzzle with the statement that the first word(s) you see will define your 2017 (paraphrasing here on the actual description/directions).  I saw three words right away which got me thinking.  These words may have come from a silly test, but I can see how they do define my plans for this upcoming year.  Those three words were (in order): Change, Passion, Luck.

Change: I do plan on changing much in my life this New Year.  Living wise, alone at last; Health wise, both physical and mental; Work wise, continue to grow my current business and build my wordsmith business; Social wise, beat this reclusive mode and get back out in the world with family and friends.

Change 1: I will find myself on my own again with my son, the dog, and the guinea pig with no roommate for the first time in, geez, years.  This is a wonderful feeling for me.  I have always loved my independence and even though having a roommate is a good financial help, it kills my independence.

Change 2: I have been paying for a gym membership for the past year and have not utilized it due to my Father’s poor health and work demands.  I am going to utilize this gym membership to change my health for the better and reach the weight I am happiest at once again.

Change 3: My current business is surviving this lull in the industry and seems to finally have bounced back to allow the financial freedom of working at home to continue.  I will continue to find ways to build income from this business.

Change 4: I am going to take advantage of the social invites I get and start actually going!  I will find the balance to be able to focus on work yet still build my social life I used to enjoy before opening a business.

Passion: I am Italian, I ooze passion but lately my pores have been blocked up.  I still love life but the passion for it was extremely dimmed with the passing of my Dad.  I do plan on reigniting the passionate love affair I hold for life in my professional and personal worlds.

Passion 1: I have a wordsmith business that until recently, has just been a hobby because I have a passionate love affair with anything associated with the written word.  I plan on growing this business up, one client at a time and look forward to the new relationships I shall make along the way.

Passion 2: I am now looking at taking myself seriously as a writer and growing this part of me on a personal level.  All my life I have written in some form or another to comfort my soul.  From journaling my exciting life as a kid to adult all the way to having started my own novel in hopes of publishing.  My goal is to sign up for some form of writing class each month to build my talent as a writer and start opening doors to the publishing world to promote myself as a writer.

Luck: I feel luck is created by opportunities in my life.  I find the possibilities and opportunities and from there luck grows.  Who doesn’t want luck in their life, heck they even have a sayings for it, “Luck, you’re either born with it or you are not.” or “You either have good luck or bad luck.” etc.

Luck 1: I know with every situation I face, I will need a little luck in finding my way.  The luck will come from determination and communication.  I am determined to see my goals through any time I create them and will stop at nothing to reach them because I always strive to reach the new level of me.  Communication with other like-minded individuals on a professional and personal level will help me find the lucky contact that will help me reach the next level of me on my journey to build my businesses.

Luck 2: Waking up every morning and shaking off the empty hole in my heart and soul and just start finding things to fill my time outside work.  My current business demands so much of my time daily, that I tend to just stay home and do nothing when the office is ‘closed’ but no more.  Even if it is just getting up, putting on my clothes (no joke, you do not understand how easy it is to just stay in my PJs while working from home, it is after all one of the perks), doing my face (new skin regiments starts on the 1st of January), and going for a drive to the country to sit in a field.

These three items being the words I saw in the silly little test, I am reminded of my above planned goals I have been making for myself.  See, I don’t believe in resolutions, they are made to be broken, but planned goals are something you work toward and are not made to be broken.  Goals are simply a future achievement of the next level of you.  I like that image in my head, so goals are my thing, not resolutions.

My goals associated with the three words are pretty simple, yet complex at the same time.  Change is unavoidable in life and I have some major changes ahead of me as you can see.  Everything that happens in life causes change and I look forward to it, heck, I not only look forward to it, I anticipate it with great passion, and luck!

There you have it, Dear Bloggites, my thoughts on the upcoming New Year and all the wonderful new experiences it holds.  We live in a wonderful world, because after all, we are blessed every day we wake up and breathe in the new day.  I plan on embracing that world with all my heart and soul and I hope you enjoy experiencing these things along the way as I share them with you!

Happy New Year!  Keep Being.  Keep Experiencing.  Keep Sharing.  Keep Trekking. 🙂

~4-Ever, P

Posted in #BloggiteBits Campaign

#BloggiteBits

Good Day, Dear Bloggites. 🙂  I know my last post was a rather melancholy one about my Dah (Dad), so I decided to share a bit about how I get through when life is throwing nasty screwballs my way.

I combat those screwballs by focusing on everything I have that is positive in my life.  Today, while I was musing over the way I cope, I thought, wouldn’t it be awesome to take that coping mechanism and spread out into the world?

I have always been a Brighter-Side kinda gal most of my life.  I believe in the greater good of a person’s heart versus the darker death-toll of their heart.  However, even though I look for the good in others, I am all too familiar with the darker side of them as well and see the potential danger in each person I meet on my Life Journey.

With all the negative energy and negative activity going on in the world, I am going to do my part in trying to balance it out with some #BloggiteBits daily.  Each day, I am going to try and remember to post something on my personal accounts with Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, etc. that will be an encouragement, a funny thought, or musing that will put positive spins out there in the netherworld.

If anyone wants to join me on my quest to beat the negativity, just post your musings or thoughts and end with the all familiar hashtag of #BloggiteBits.  Let’s go make a difference in the world, everyone! 🙂

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Encouragement

Poll Results: How Do You View the Way You Live

Poll Results-How Do You Live Your Life

Back in 2013 I posed this question with some poll options: How do you view the way you live?  There were five options: Existing in Life, Embracing Life, No Opinion about Life, Avoiding Life, and Hating Life.  The overwhelming winner of this poll was Existing in Life at 67%.  The runner-up was Embracing Life at 33%.  This saddens me.

I think one of the worst things someone can feel about life is that they are just existing.

Existing in life, to me, means that a person wakes up, goes to work, goes home, goes to bed and do good just to remember to inhale and exhale throughout the day.  No passion, no indifference, just taking up space in this amazing world we live in.

We have one life to live and we should all try to live it to our fullest potential for ourselves and others.  You never know when life is going to end: for you or someone you love.  This reality has been proven true to me over the past few months with the loss of a wonderful lady I considered a Mom, the loss of my dog who was in my life for many, many years, and the loss of my Parental Units’ dog.  The pain of loss will ease, but the emptiness left by those you love, never gets refilled.

If you are just existing in life, you risk losing someone or something that is very dear to your heart, but not realizing it until it is too late.  We only have one constant witness to our life we live and that is ourselves.  People come and go throughout your life, and some have more impact than others, but YOU witness your world and why would you not want to experience that world in high-def by embracing it?

My Dear Bloggites, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone of just existing and each day do one thing different that will impact your day or someone else’s day.

When you do this simple exercise once a day, you will begin to see a whole new, real-time life that you are living.  It is amazing when we get out of our world and embrace some other!  Love yourself enough to share your life with others.  It will only benefit you and them in the end.  If you do this, you will notice a shift in your entire view on your life that you have just existed in all this time.  You will realize that You Make a Difference, no matter how small, and that Difference Means the World to Others!

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Encouragement

The Journey of Change

When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor E. Frankl

One of my favorite sayings I like to quote is, “the only guarantee in life is change.”  People, as a whole, fight the idea of change because at some point in life, change became a bad thing.  As I sit here and contemplate all the changes I have had to deal with these past few weeks, I feel that instinctive fight against change.

I love change.  I never have viewed change as a bad thing, only the next level of my journey in life.  But the onslaught of the changes hitting when they did and are, is making me quite discombobulated.  Not in a bad way, but in a rough way, if that makes sense, Dear Bloggites.  The changes are good things and I have felt a new type of freedom from the changes that have taken place and a new anticipation of hope and happiness in the changes that are coming.

One of the great changes heading my way is a bittersweet change for the people involved.  That is the move for my son, Travis, and his wife, Tori and (of course) my Awesome GrandKiddos.  Travis and Tori have always said they were going to move from her home state of Kentucky to Texas.  Their journey was stilted and put to a standstill from this world we call life.  However, that stilting is coming to a halt and the move is going to happen.

Tori just received her first Travel Nurse assignment for her job she is taking in Texas.  This assignment is going to bring her and the kids to Texas while Travis stays back in Kentucky until their house sells.  The temporary separation of their family unit is a hard pill to swallow for them.  Their beginning years of their marriage had them separated while Travis served our Country in multiple countries and Tori work her nursing job in Kentucky.  They vowed to not separate their family unit after they finally were in the same home, in the same state, in the same country, at the same time…LOL

The vow of non-separation had to be taken off the table to help them reach their ultimate goal of living in Texas, and so it is going to happen.  Many tears are being shed, both of Joy and Sadness, but they know it is what they need to do to reach their goal and they are willing to do it.  My hat is off to them.  I know how hard it was on them the first go-round and it is going to be, in a sense, worse this go-round.  But, I am determined to make sure Tori and the kiddos are occupied enough to not think too much about it until Travis is back home with them in Texas.

Another great change that is going to happen is that my Bestie, Tracy, is going to be a grandmother for the second time but it will be her first time active duty as a grandmother.  Her daughter is pregnant and due in a few months and Tracy is going to help Steph with the baby while she is at work.

These two upcoming events will land Tracy and me into a new level of our lives-full time grandparenthood…LOL  I am so excited to see my GrandKiddos on a regular basis.  I cannot wait to teach them more bad habits to drive Mommy and Daddy crazy, hehehe. 😀  One thing Tracy and I were unable to do because of our life circumstances was have our children grow up around each other (I have known Tracy since 1982) but it looks like we will be able to enjoy watching our grandkids grow up around each other.

The Journey of Change is not a bad thing, but it can be a rough thing.  The one thing I do know, as change happens and once it is done, my world; your world, will be that much more than it was on a new level of you in your life.  Embrace Change-embrace the pain, embrace the blessing, embrace the bumps, and embrace the joy.  Embrace Change, because it will always embrace you!

~4-Ever, P

Posted in This & That

Cancer Scare

WARNING DISCLAIMER: Gory personal information! 🙂

Hello, Dear Bloggites, long time no blog. Well lots of stuff has been going on in my UberGoofy World of P. The latest of these challenges was the Cancer Scare. I have been bleeding constantly for a year and I finally went to see my doctor (yes I know what you are thinking, ‘why wait a year?’ well probably simply because I tend to disregard issues with my health way too much for way too long).

Well he took some blood tests and informed me he thinks I have this ultra-rare form of Cancer called Uterine Sarcoma. He did a biopsy of the uterus and then put me on a strong cancer pill that is only prescribed to advanced Cancer patients. So after a week of wondering if I had Cancer, I finally received the news from my doc that the biopsy was negative, however, this form of Cancer could be growing on the smooth walls of my muscles behind the uterus…hence, even if the biopsy was negative I could still have it.

He scheduled me for an emergency hysterectomy to remove my uterus and possibly my ovaries as well (can we say ‘Hello Menopause!’?). I was excited about the hysterectomy because I do not plan on having any more children and it would stop the bleeding to death.

The surgery was a week ago this past Monday and I am recovering well. Doc says my uterus was extremely enlarged and full of blood (yummy). He said the pathology department will test it to see what caused the issues but good news, there were no signs of Cancer in my muscle walls (YEAH!!!).

So I am out for 8 weeks because it will take my body that long to heal so, yet again, I cannot dance yet. I have not danced since last December and it is killing me!!!! I hate not being at the studio and dancing with my wonderful teacher. It will happen though, I refuse to give it up.

~4-Ever, P