Posted in This & That

Mind Over Matter

As I sit here hanging with my GrandKiddo, I realize that these are the times that I most enjoy.  People get so busy doing things that they really do not allow time to just be in the moment.  I am guilty of this as well.  I prefer to be busy most of the day because if I am not doing something, I get very bored and sleepy.

Sleep is a rare thing for me.  I have been an insomniac for most of my life and I do good falling asleep and sleeping for an hour or two before waking throughout the night.  I have accepted that this is my life and as I get older and my body prefers getting up Uber Early every day now, sleep becomes more elusive.

Being bored will make me sleepy and depending on my pain level, I may fall asleep on occasion, but normally, I stay awake and think of what I can do to pass the time.  I have many videos and shows I like to watch and of course, there is always a book ready for me to read at the tip of my fingers that help pass the time.  But just hanging out with my GrandKiddo or GrandKiddos, or family, or friends, THOSE are the best things to alleviate the boredom and sleepiness.

I know I may be rambling and not really on topic of Mind Over Matter as this blog is titled, but it all ties in together.  I promise, Dear Bloggites. 🙂  We have all heard the phrase mind over matter.  The all-encompassing “If you don’t mind, it don’t matter” attitude that many take when they don’t really feel like getting into the nitty-gritty of life with other people.  This is their way of dismissing someone’s feelings while sounding supportive.

That statement is really not a nice statement.  It tells someone that if they can just accept what is happening to them without questioning it, then the feeling they are having is unnecessary and unimportant.  How sad is that?  When did it become okay to dismiss our feelings?  Now, I know what you are thinking, everyone has extreme feelings in this day and age, but really, it is just extreme because they have been conditioned to dismiss how they feel and so when their feelings get so overwhelming from being ignored, they explode.

I think I am going to go back to allowing myself to feel every moment and to appreciate what I am feeling.  When I appreciate what I feel, it helps me to become more appreciative of the world and people around me.  I said in my blog a couple of days ago or so that I was done trying to be who I used to be.  Embracing the emotions, I feel in the moment is a big step for me to let go of the past and the ME BEFORE.

No more hiding my emotions from others but also no more of the extreme blow ups of feelings.  Now, if you know me, you all know that I don’t show my emotions so you may be a bit confused by my statements here, but I do feel emotions, but I have also learned to hide them from others because I have to be the strong one.  The decision maker.

I will still be the strong one and the decision maker because that is truly how I am built, but the decision to not hide my emotions is really a decision for myself.  I will see my emotions now and not ignore them with the mind over matter facts.  I will allow myself to feel the nitty-gritty of the emotions washing over me and I will smile every time.

Because really, at the end of our lifetime, you should mind because it does matter. Smiling and embracing ourselves in a positive way is the best way to be true to yourself and feeling your emotions is the truest way you can ever be you.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in This & That

2020 Already?

January 14, 2019.  That was the date of my last blog post.  I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact.  Where did the year go?  What was I doing?  When did time get so fleeting?

When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain.  That doesn’t happen often in my life now.  Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.

No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE!  I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail.  Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!

I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life.  My body lived, but the essence of ME died.  I still carry on.  I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will.  Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.

This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy.  We are turning the big 5 0!  We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!!  Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).

Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February.  Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it.  I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)!  This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.

You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing!  Nada!  Zip!  Zero and Zilch!  See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005.  Everything I was working toward for my life was killed.  EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control.  I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on.  Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward!  I had no clue-until now.

It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear.  I was happy, but I wept.  I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back.  I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness.  I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!

 My life has been an unending blur for 15 years.  I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME

I am broken.  I am damaged.  I am scarred.  But that is me now.  I will never been who I was, but you know what?  I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in This & That

Feeling Feisty

Hello, Dear Bloggites, I am feeling feisty today! 😉  I was sitting here at home, bored out of my mind because I actually found down time, and decided to give in to the curiosity bug.  My good friend, Mary (say Hi, Mary!), is always talking about this one site where she connects with old and new friends.  This site seems to have opened a fun and interesting world for her and I just wanted to know what all the hype was about.

So, me, being me, decided to open an account on this site….I know…trouble, trouble, trouble, especially with me feeling feisty! 😉  I open this account, and within seconds, I have all these notifications and messages…it was a major ego boost I am telling you! LOL

Several of these guys are in my area of town…hmm…trouble, trouble, trouble…and one even offered to come over to my place and help me figure out the site…yeah…okay…raincheck, dude! LOL What he does not know is NO ONE knows where I live and there is a reason for that…I have my son and my brother and sister-in-law who live with me and I do not mix my social life with my family life…just don’t do it…so don’t ask to find out where I live because I won’t tell you. 🙂

This site is very fun and the people I have met so far seem rather nice…some are just friendly, some are just flirty, some are just horny, and some are just liking my profile picture….Ha!  I am pretty sure I am going to enjoy this site and I know my ego definitely does!

Well, Toodles for now, until next time, have an UberGoofy Day!

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Toastmasters

The Road To Success Is Waiting For You!! Wow, It IS!!!

This past weekend was such a Blast!!! My BFF, Tracy, and I attended the District 25 Conference for Toastmasters for the first time!!! OMG…I met such FABU people and made new lifelong friends!!!

We were treated like Royalty…as you know, Dear Bloggites, and I AM Royalty (at least in my mind…LOL). We had great food, great games, great speeches, great presenters, and great people! I am so stoked from the information I heard and learned great things from wonderful people. Can I say it enough, Dear Bloggites, GREAT PEOPLE!

I am going to shoot for the International Conference (I had the pleasure of meeting our International President Elect-Michael Notaro) so I can go and support my fellow Toastmaster, Loren (he is from the division my club is a member of, so proud!) PLUS it is in Las Vegas, where I have NEVER been and have always wanted to go experience.

Yes, I cannot say enough about how fabulous this weekend was, Verna and all her assistants did a great job putting on a great conference for all involved. Chuck Menke graced me with the pleasure of working the registration table for a short time so I could feel as if I did a little bit to help and I met Miz Linda and Rose…two funny gals from the club Afterburners in Fort Worth.

So if you are interested in getting better speaking skills, meeting new friends, making new connections go to our Toastmasters International website www.toastmasters.org and find a club near you!

So, Dear Bloggites, I shall end my short but sweet blog for the day and remember to find your Wow Moment every day of your life!

~4-Ever, P