Posted in This & That

2020 Already?

January 14, 2019.  That was the date of my last blog post.  I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact.  Where did the year go?  What was I doing?  When did time get so fleeting?

When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain.  That doesn’t happen often in my life now.  Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.

No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE!  I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail.  Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!

I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life.  My body lived, but the essence of ME died.  I still carry on.  I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will.  Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.

This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy.  We are turning the big 5 0!  We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!!  Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).

Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February.  Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it.  I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)!  This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.

You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing!  Nada!  Zip!  Zero and Zilch!  See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005.  Everything I was working toward for my life was killed.  EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control.  I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on.  Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward!  I had no clue-until now.

It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear.  I was happy, but I wept.  I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back.  I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness.  I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!

 My life has been an unending blur for 15 years.  I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME

I am broken.  I am damaged.  I am scarred.  But that is me now.  I will never been who I was, but you know what?  I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in Book Review

Free Book Download-One Day Only: Rachael, Did You Know? by Veronica Sites

Hello, Dear Bloggites.  For one day only (TODAY), you can download Veronica Sites book Rachael, Did You Know? free at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QGBFLIS/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_6m2UvbRT9ZP4V

Rachael, Did You Know by Veronica SitesVeronica is an aspiring writer who shares her love for Christ and a young lady named Rachael who has suffered a great loss when her brother dies.  This book covers the journey of the times Veronica spent with Rachael and provides Veronica’s insights into how God would explain the loss and grief that Rachael feels.

Veronica loves Christ and she loves helping others and along this journey, she learned her true calling to be a Chaplain and help others for the rest of her life.  Veronica has continued serving others just as Christ served His people and has made countless impacts on people in every walk of life.

If you have loved and lost, this book is for you.  The pearls of wisdom that Veronica Sites shares throughout this book will give you comfort and a better understanding of the grief process whether you are a believer in Christ or not.

Take advantage of this free book download for today and follow the link above and get your copy of Veronica Sites book Rachael, Did You Know?

Happy Reading, Dear Bloggites!

~4-Ever, P

Posted in A Dog's Life

Royal T’s Lord Baden Powell-A Journey Farewell

Royal T's Lord Baden Powell-A JourneyIMG_20150730_001409It is never easy or good to have to say good-bye to a loved one.  I have been blessed with not having to experience very many losses but I write this blog post with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, Dear Bloggites.

On August 7, 2015, I am going to have to say good-bye to my heart, Baden.  These two photos show him at 3 years old (photo to the left) and now, ten years later at 13 years old (photo to the right).

He is ready to leave this Earth to the next beyond.  Since his dental surgery to remove all his teeth to alleviate a nasty infection that was running through his body and made him blind in his left eye, he has gotten tired.  He still has the infection and it is wracking his body to no end.  He looked at me last night with the eyes that said, “We had a good run, Mom.  But I am ready to go and am only hanging on for you.  Please fix it.”

After that look, I promised him that I would schedule him to go to his forever sleep.  I told him I was ready even though his look was dubious toward me.  It is breaking my heart.  He has been in my life since he was 5 weeks old, I have known him since he was 3 weeks.  He has supported me on all my endeavors with the fervor only a dog can have.  He has helped nurse me back to life after my near-death accident in 2005 and now it is my turn to support and help him by making it all go away and making him better.

He is still the grumpy ol’ ‘tupid dog I love; growls at me when I go give him a kiss or even look like I am going to touch him while wagging his tail.  That is our game.  He loves me and I love him and my heart will be forever broken once he is gone.  I will always remember him as my dog with the attitude but the heart of gold.

Ragonk will help comfort me when I have to tell Baden good-bye.  I have been blessed by having this Boy-O come into my life and he gives me joy even though I hurt in my heart.  See, back in December, 2014, Ragonk wandered into my garage with no tags and looking very scared and skittish.  He has not left since.

I told my sons, Travis & William, and my daughter-in-law, Tori.  Tori called me up and we had a good cry and laugh.  William’s response (as expected by his Autistic brain) was, “Oh, Wow! He’s my brother.”  I told him, “Yes, he is and he will forever be your brother, just like Travis.”  My wonderful sister, Debbie, also called me up.  She has loved and lost many pets and knows what I am going through.  She, too, cried with me while laughing about my grumpy ol’ dog.

I know I will have full support from all my family and friends.  They all know Baden well and how much he means to me.  I know this separation is temporary, because I do believe dogs and all other animals go to heaven.  I know that once he is gone, he will be happy because the pain he feels in this life is temporary, he will be a spry little dog once again sitting by the gates until Momma comes home to heaven with him.

I Love You, My Baden!  Thank You for the Amazing Journey and Your Unconditional Love! 🙂

~4-Ever, P (Momma to you, Baden, Baden)