Posted in This & That

2020 Already?

January 14, 2019.  That was the date of my last blog post.  I blinked, and now I am at the dawning of 2020, January 1st to be exact.  Where did the year go?  What was I doing?  When did time get so fleeting?

When I woke up this morning (afternoon…don’t judge me), I woke up happy and in minimal pain.  That doesn’t happen often in my life now.  Since that fateful day on September 1, 2005, my life has never really been mine and I have just been on this downward spiral of pain, misery, self-destruction, and darkness.

No one tells you after something that drastically changes your ENTIRE LIFE and life views that you will never find the you that you used to be BEFORE!  I have tried for the past 15 years to find ME, the ME I was that everyone loves and misses, to no avail.  Nothing can bring ME back, I am finally accepting that, but I do wish my friends and family would accept it, too.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family love me, always have, but every once in a while I will hear the “you used to never be like that” comment and, although I know the people who say it don’t mean anything by it (or even think about what they are saying), that shit hurts me to my core!

I have tried to find ME, the me who I was BEFORE, but keep failing because that ME died in that fateful car accident right along with the poor fireman who lost his life.  My body lived, but the essence of ME died.  I still carry on.  I have tried to find ME for 15 years to no avail and I am now ready to accept I never will.  Life ripped me a new one that fateful day and I am done trying to go back.

This year is going to mark a rite of passage for me and my Bestest Friend the whole wide world, Tracy.  We are turning the big 5 0!  We are going to be HALF A CENTURY OLD!!!  Tracy, who has always called herself many years older than she actually was, is going to mark this day by doing something she always dreamed of doing: going on a cruise with her closest and dearest friends (BTW, I am one of them peoples…LOL).

Her decision, while money has always been a struggle, was something she committed to doing and by Jove, Tracy is going to see this decision come to fruition on the first week of February.  Her actual birthday is January 31st (give her a SHOUT OUT!!!), but the cruise she wants to go on is available a week later and she took it.  I am so PROUD of her for following her dream and desire until it happened (happens?)!  This realization of her following her dream has given me pause to really think about what my dream is for my life.

You know what, Dear Bloggites, when I thought about what my dream is for my life, I came up with nothing!  Nada!  Zip!  Zero and Zilch!  See, what dreams and goals I was striving for were destroyed just as my car and body were back in 2005.  Everything I was working toward for my life was killed.  EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to get your sympathy over this, I am just sharing with you my realization that since 2005, my life has been spiraling out of control.  I have been riding on that downward spiral that was filled with pain, adjustments, pain, disappointments, pain, loss, pain and on and on.  Nothing I did or tried to do has been able to stop the spiral; and worst even, I really did not know I was spiraling downward!  I had no clue-until now.

It has taken me 15 years to realize this but waking up this morning HAPPY and in MINIMAL PAIN suddenly brought that spiral to an abrupt stop and the silence and stillness was heard loud and clear.  I was happy, but I wept.  I wept into my pillow and onto my dog, Ragonk’s, back.  I snotted and snorted tears of happiness over the silence and stillness.  I am not pain free, but my GOD, today was the first day since September 1, 2005 that I felt HAPPY waking up and even better, ALMOST PAIN FREE!

 My life has been an unending blur for 15 years.  I am sure I will still have rare days like today, but I want everyone to know that I am no longer going to try to be the ME I used to be. *bow our heads in silence for the death of ME

I am broken.  I am damaged.  I am scarred.  But that is me now.  I will never been who I was, but you know what?  I think I am okay with who I am becoming now.

~4-Ever, P

Posted in #BloggiteBits Campaign

#BloggiteBits-Persistent A.R.D.O.R.

Persistent A.R.D.O.R.: Adamant pursuit, Rigorous search, Determined success, Observe results, Reflective thoughts

#BloggiteBits-Persistent Ardor
Persistent A.R.D.O.R.

Persistent or annoying?  I believe that if you desire to achieve something, having strong persistence is only a plus factor in achieving that goal that is desired.  In this installment of the ABCs of encouragement with the #BloggiteBits Campaign, I am going to give you some pointers on living life with Persistent A.R.D.O.R. and achieving those goals you set in all aspects of your life: Adamant pursuit, Rigorous search, Determined success, Observe results, & Reflective thoughts.

Adamant pursuit: Achieving goals in life is something you have to commit to on a regular basis.  Having an adamant pursuit of your goals in life will help you stay focused and keep your dreams alive until the goal is reached.  Living life with persistent ardor keeps the goal in front of you as you go through life.

Rigorous search: Goals require a determined person who will rigorously search for the next step along the way when achieving something.  Rigorous searching does not mean you have to chase things erratically, it just means that you will always look for the next minor step in the ultimate big picture of the desired goal.

Determined success: Determination is the one item that separates the people who achieve their goals and those who do not.  Have a determined success mentality will get you that much closer to reaching your goal.  This pointer goes along the lines of that saying we all know so well, “Well begun is half done.”  Having a determination that you will be successful in achieving your goal puts you way ahead of the game.

Observe results: Observing results as you reach each minor step along your journey to the ultimate goal will help you adjust to how to pursue the next minor step.  Observation is key in all situations, especially ones that deal with reaching your goals.

Reflective thoughts: On your journey to the ultimate big picture goal, be sure to have reflective thoughts on each little success as you complete one minor step toward your goal.  Reflection is good for the mind and soul.  Reflective thoughts help you appreciate what you have accomplished as well as what you will accomplish.  Envisioning the success of reaching your goal goes a long way toward truly achieve it.

~4-Ever, P